JDS-Revolution

A Letter to Santa

2008-12-09T06:20:00.002+08:00

#444 Ambuklao Road
Baguio City, 2600 Philippines

December 4

Santa's Magical Kingdom
#0 Latitude-Longitude Drive
North pole, 0000 Atlantica

Greetings Mr. Santa Claus,

I have written this letter to tell you of the things that I would like to have this Christmas. Furthermore, I would like to tell you hat I have been a good boy and have been helpful to others, and tried my best to avoid bad actions.

There are many things I desire and to start off with, I would highly recommend boxes of world-class, mouthwatering chocolates. A years supply would be good, but two would always be better.
I would also like to own a private island and have a mansion there. You can come visit anytime you like. What better way to complete the set than to add it with a military helicopter, more specifically the Comanche RAH-66. Although if the Government forbids, then an alternative, like an amphibian automobile would be good. The vehicle should run on water for eco-friendly transportation.
Finally I would like to have an octo-core computer with the fastest Graphics Processing Unit, highest RAM capacity, a versatile motherboard and water cooling.
That is all for now, I will be anticipating for these things.
Thank you very much.

Your loyal customer,
-Justin

==:: Lonewolf part 2 ::==

2008-08-07T19:58:00.002+08:00

August 7!
Mmm Today was not a very good day for me. =(
But I know, the best part of falling is getting back up. =)

So, today...tonight I will finish this up and hopefully do what God wants me to do.

So, scenario 1 is done, the next scenario might for those who have tried but didn't seem to get anywhere.

Scenario #2: You believed, you prayed, you tried to do what Jesus might do. But you still didn't get an answer.

Well, talking about getting answers, this is honestly, a very broad topic. So let's narrow it down and break it up into bite-size bits. =)
Firstly, lets analyze what you prayed for, through these questions:

1. What did you pray for?
2. Do you really need it?
3. Will it help you?
4. Will it help others?
5. And more importantly, will it glorify God's name?

The last question is quite hard to answer, but if you get the facts straight and ask for wisdom I think you'll know.
If it's a material thing that you want, well, questions 2,3 and 4 might be good question to ask yourself. Remember though, the earth and everything in it is temporary.
So even if you had 50 Ferrari F50s I think they'd be useless if you're dead. Make that 49 Ferrari F50s...hehe.
Anyways, wouldn't it be simpler if all you had to think about is eternal life?
If it's not there, God will give it at the perfect time. Nothing is more perfect than God himself.
If it's a financial need, a branch of material things, the most fluid medium of exchange, then all I can tell you is

"And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."
-Psalms 9:10

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."
-Proverbs 3:5

As long as you have all you need, you're ok.

If it's something that has to do with yourself. Character development and stuff. Upcoming tests, education. Then of course don't expect to be immediately transformed!
I noticed a change since I was 13, I wanted to become a better person. I may fail sometimes, but at least not that much as before, and knowing I could do better.
Being better than I was yesterday is one of my goals. I will never stop trying till I get it. As they say, becoming more Christlike.
Yeah, one of the things I learned or reminded is you have to do your part as well. It's teamwork.
Yep all those kiddie shows that you watch on TV, it's so simple, yet hard to actually do. But if you are really determined, I can tell you, you will get results more than what you wanted.
By the way you have to ask for wisdom as well to know when to exercise. As with physical exercise comes spiritual as well. God will provide opportunities, so be vigilant and alert. You may not know God has already answered it.

~~~~~~~~~~

Hmm, haven't written alot. I'm not sure If I should end here. Because I cannot really think of anything anymore, honestly. And it's not good to force something out. So if you're reading this I hope the stuff helped you think about making decisions. I'll just continue writing as I used to, coz really to be honest I never thought it would end up like this. But I think God made me, since I really did ask Him what I should write about. So, whatever goes na lang. hehe =)

==:: The Lonewolf, well..not so lonely after all... ::==

2008-08-05T21:24:00.005+08:00

The Lone Wolf,
With Vigor energy,
He strikes in the darkness,
Through the pain and agony,
He stands his ground,
With cuts and wounds,
He fights for Him,
For he knows, in the end,
It will be worth it all...

That is exactly what I should be...

I'll get there, one way or another....

As time ticks, I write once again.
Months have passed,
Days are gone,
Nights were cold,
Dawn was warm,
Dusk was bitter,
The minutes run,
The seconds fade...

What have I become?
Where will I go?
One purpose
One truth
The God said it all...

There's so many ways to live a life. But it seems no matter how I live mine, nothing makes more sense than becoming who I'm suppose to be. I mean after all, why make it more difficult when the answer is right in front of you? Why waste time pondering at what you're gonna do next when the path is clear? Why refuse a simple task that anybody can do? Why do you have to do what you want to do?

I was surprised when my friend told me, that the number one rule in the Satanic Bible was, "Do whatever you wish" Scary huh? All these years, I wanted, I desired, Yet I was never satisfied. I pondered.."What was missing?" And it was with me all along. It was to be content. It was to simply to stop desiring.

But wouldn't it be a boring life you ask?

Well, this is where God comes in.

God has so much more He wants you to do. Yep! do you get it? It is not what you want. But it is simply what God wants. I mean, come on! He's your creator, He's your King, He's the absolute ruler of all the Universe, not to mention He sent His only begotten Son to save humanity...

Well, you still don't believe there is a God huh? After all you've been through, no matter how hard you prayed or asked for help, you felt He was not there.
Well I felt exactly the same, until I found Faith. Oh great another sermon or whatever.. Well it wouldn't hurt to read would it? Or maybe because you refuse to read such information. Well go ahead, if that's what you want... :) but do remember what I said earlier....oh wait you don't believe there's good and evil?
hehehe.

Well, what do you believe in? if you don't believe in anything, then I'm sure you're still pondering at how you got here? How the humans came to existence! (Don't go running because you have no answer)
If you think evolution is the answer, lemme tell you this.
Evolution states that, all creatures live by fighting for survival. It is, as they say "The Survival of the Fittest" Well lemme ask you this.
"Where did loving music, painting a picture or enjoying a beautiful sunset come into the picture of fighting for survival?" Do you sing to your enemy?
Because to me it doesn't make any sense.
In the midst of fighting and survival how on earth would you get the idea to compose a song or paint a painting?
See how the Humans flourished around the world until today.
Evolution is totally false. Tell me, tell me how you got here.

I can tell you how we got here. It was because of God. Why did He create us? Well, because He can. Can you? ;)
I jump because I can. What more could you ask?

We love music, paintings, beautiful things, because we are created through God's image.
God's image is not restricted to our physical structure, it goes beyond that.
Have you ever heard when your friends gossip, "That guy destroyed this guy's image because he told rumors about this guy" That's one aspect of what image I'm trying to portray here.
We LOVE, because God is LOVE. It's simple Philosophy. It all came from Him, the Almighty and the Divine.
You say, that's bogus! Well, isn't it bogus when Humans make up stories?

I'm not making up stories, I'm telling the Truth, the one and only. And by the way, this is all in God's Word.
Why do you think there's a Bible. It is simply put as Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
Actually that isn't the real meaning of the Bible, I just wanted to write it coz it makes sense, but it does portray what it is in general.
Anyhow, it's there as our life support and it is the Truth itself.

Now that we got that straight. Let's talk about your question earlier,
How come God wasn't there when I called upon Him?
Well let's get some scenarios up.

Scenario #1. You believe there is a God, yet you still do whatever you want to do, but when trouble comes, only then do you call upon Him because after all your sins will be forgiven.

If that's your situation, well it's a pretty common situation. I tell you God will never come.
Again, One cannot server two masters. Didn't I tell you doing what you want is the first rule of Satan? How on earth can you serve Satan and God at the same time? And you think once you believe you can start sinning because you'll be forgiven after all? Well, that's where you're wrong. God hates Satan, If you follow Satan, God becomes your enemy. Isn't God the God of Love and Mercy?
True, but God doesn't have to necessarily KILL you when he becomes your enemy, He punishes you like a father punishes his son. God loves you enough so much so, that He wants you to realize what you are doing is wrong. When you realize that and when you try to avoid it, only then can God forgive you, even though He already forgave you. But the question is, what life do you want to live?

Do you want to please God or Satan?

I've written so much, It's like 11pm already, I should be sleeping I have classes tomorrow. xD
I'll continue this when I have time. For now, read this and maybe you'll get somewhere.

"But, Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness: and all these things [needs and desires] shall be added unto you" -Matthew 6:33

==:: A Walk to Remember ::==

2008-04-20T11:34:00.002+08:00

After finding out that this was a great movie to watch, and several claiming it to be their favorite,
I decided to download the movie and watch it myself.

To my surprise, I was deeply moved.
It's hard to write how I felt afterwards, but one thing I can say is that it made me cry three times.
Definitely something to remember..
The ending was very sad though,
I wanted a happy ending! T_T
Well, I guess that's what life is and what it's about.
Other than that, all I saw in the movie was true love in it's purest form.
And so it has become my favorite as well.

I just couldn't believe that I've learned so much this summer,
Movies, events, new people I've met.
It really has changed the way I think about life.
After watching the movie, I just sat there, staring at the wall....
Thinking......thinking......
Eventually I came to realize that I need to grow up.
The fact is, I'm not a kid anymore, play time is over.
It's about time I should be able to control my emotions.
So far, I'm doing pretty good, well since I'm all alone it's pretty easy to control it.
But the real test is when I socialize, I hope thoughts won't bother me.
Just block out the thoughts, They say...

So this is it!
Let's grow up!
xD

==:: My Roller Coaster ::==

2008-04-17T00:28:00.002+08:00

Lately it has been quite a ride.
The ups, the downs. For a moment I thought I could change, be more, say...social.
For the past years I've been stuck in my own world, doing my own things.
From my point, all I've been doing was watching and pondering at possibilities, good or bad.
But I've never really made action.
Ever since I liked this girl, it's like all the things I do, don't matter anymore. As if, life is more than computer games. Well, I felt this way before, but for quite some time of not pondering at it, I returned to my old self. So rephrase....I was reminded that life is more than what I thought it was.

Elementary, High School. I never really did my best.
On Graduation Day, I did not receive any award. I felt bad for the first time.
I then recognized the importance of my parents role regarding my education.
I could have been more. More than I was.
It was just like as my dad said,
I have three lives, one for each phase of education.
I've wasted two, I have one more left.
One left to prove who I am and what I am capable of.
But this has brought itself an expectation I may not be able to fulfill.
Can I live up to what I've stated?
I hope so.

I've come pretty far, but have I spent it well?
Time flies so fast, I'll be 17 this year. T_T
When I was young I always wondered what I'll look like at 17, or 25. Wondered what's up ahead.
But it seems, the more I ponder, the faster time ticks.
If there's one thing I've learned from this, that is, to live life to the fullest and make every second count.

Emotions have taken over me, I admit, I am emotionally driven.
Which is not good. I cannot go on my life like this.
I have to step up and push it aside, but the thing is.
Will people accept me? Why should I care. It's for my own good any way.
But the thing is, I care...I care about what people might think of me..
From there I think of many thoughts, twisted, tangled, never ending train of thoughts..
Thoughts that contradict, thoughts that are sometimes, imagination only.
They eventually posses me.

It's time I guess, it's time to step up, time to take action.
Because I'm tired of repeating the cycle, the cycle of madness and torment.
I'll have this chance at college. I should prepare myself.
*sigh*

==:: Graduation ::==

2008-04-02T09:05:00.004+08:00

Its been a while since I've updated this blog.
I'll start of with my graduation.

Wow!!! I'm finally graduating!!! After endless nights of doing my homework I have finally come to the point where I have to say Good Bye to High School.
I will miss a lot of people.
Yep a lot has happened since August 22, 2007 (I can't believe that's how long I've left this blog to remain in the dust), the happenings, the downfalls, the high times of my stay in GBA.
Since I came to GBA, the homework was something I dreaded, and sometimes I think when it will end.

Everybody says college is hard! but sometimes I say to myself, "Hey, not all high schools have this kind of curriculum, this hard, painstaking curriculum. And since thats the case, if people who graduated in those public high schools think college is hard, then shouldn't it be any easier for us with this curriculum?"
Those thoughts and many others have kinda reduced my fear in confronting college.

It's gonna be hard starting in a place where you know nobody. I've had this fear since my childhood.
Like when I came to England for the first time, I went to their school. I knew nobody. On my first day, I stood and observed what other children were doing, I just couldn't fit in. I stood there alone on the playground, thinking....thinking....then I broke out into a cry. I just couldn't stand it anymore, I felt so out of place. A student found me crying and reported it to the teacher. They thought I tripped and hurt myself or something, so they kept asking me these questions. I mean what was I going to say! I don't recall what I did after that but they introduced me to this guy named Nicholas, he was my best buddy since then.

Will I cry on my first day on college just because I knew nobody?!!! x_x
Neh, too embarrassing. Besides, a special friend told me to just go for it, and meet new people, live life to the fullest while I still can.

Let's just see what college is like.......

==: The Mission :==

2007-08-22T17:58:00.000+08:00

Well, let's see.
I've realized some change.
A little though...
I've kinda lost interest in playing games, MMORPGs and the likes.
Main reason is that, there's nothing decent to play.
I'm bored. I'm bored of lvling characters for nothing.
At least Cabal caught my intersest. Cabal Online is the best action MMORPG out there.
The skills of each job is just so cool!
But this game is not available in the Phil. I'd either have to HTTP tunnel through my way to Cabal EU or Cabal Taiwan. But the HTTP Tunnel is very slow and causes lag. You'd have to pay to get a decent connection.
Lag=not worth it.
So here I am, with nothing to play.
In fact, it's not that bad.
When I was 14 going on 15, I was really addicted to online games. All I could think about each time I get home was either Ragnarok, Gunbound, O2Jam etc...
I mean I even felt sorry for people who did not play online games. (WTH?!)
Well as I write, I realize I should be the one feeling sorry for myself.
Life is more than just games. I tried to make excuses like: "I have to play now! Coz when I'm grown up, I'll be too busy to play!"
Well that's kinda true, but who am I to predict the future?
So, I actually feel alright. I can live without games. No problem.
I feel as if life begins to unfold before me.

I'm currently into Parkour.
It's really cool. Like a martial art.
Although my parents are still learning what it is. Kinda annoying, but I hope they'll finally understand.
That Parkour is not just jumping off buildings. Parkour is not something you do to show off. Parkour is not a path to suicide.
As one traceurist says:

"What is the point of parkour? Why practice it at all?

To be useful

Those three words show what parkour is really about, what it really is. Does anyone here honestly think that David Belle would spend 19 years of his life practicing parkour, and make parkour into his life, if it was about nothing but expression and freedom? What would be the point? There wouldn't be a point. That is, if parkour really was about expression and freedom. But it isn't.

Let me point out Raymond Belle, the man who inspired the philosphy of parkour. The very way in which he lived is the basis for why we train. Belle was an incredible athlete. But that wasn't what inspired the creation of parkour. The inspiration came from what he did with those skills. He didn't use them to feel free, or to express himself, or anything of the sort. He saved lives.

In France, firefighters were (and possibly still are), not a group of paid civilians, but a branch of the military. Raymonde Belle, the incredible athlete, was one such firefighter. In fact, he was a decorated hero, a member of an elite squad. When he trained, it wasn't to feel free. It was so that he could save people.

Now, let me remind some people (and inform some) about the very origins of the word "parkour". It began with the word "parcours". "Parcours" was a term for a type of training used by the French military during the vietnam war. More specifically, it meant obstacle course training. Soldiers trained to be able to pass any obstacle. Sound familiar? Now, why did they do this? To feel free and to express themselves? No. The purpose of training these skills was so that they could use them when they had to.

Parkour is all about the philosophy. If you practice the movements, but not the philosophy, you aren't practicing parkour."

Parkour for me is another way to stay healthy and off drugs.
I mean why stop teens from doing parkour? It's better than drugs.
Why I referred, it's because, all around the world teens like me do parkour, and in some cases they were told off by either the police, landowners or University guards.
Parkour is not yet recognized as "useful" around the world.
But I know people who explain parkour to policemen and landowners or guards, and they managed to get their approval and have pk sessions.

Right now, I am limited.
I cannot go out often.
So I cannot pk as often as other people.
But would this be a given circumstance from the Lord?
Telling me to condition my body before doing parkour?

I was inspired by another traceurist who is the same age as me to condition my body as he is. His project was to condition his body over a period of 600 days.
Since he tried parkour before, but felt back, knee and wrist pains. But as he conditioned his body, the pain lessened until it finally disappeared. He's still undergoing the 600 days, and I am now joining him, as he lists the exercises that he does.
So I've been conditioning for about 3 days now. 597 more to go.
I believe God can use my parkour skills to glorify His name. And I'm trying to find out if He can.
I'm really struggling in knowing what my talent is.
I'm struggling to see how God can use me.
I thought I had found it. But it was not.
Creativity?
I enjoy composing music. But sometimes, I feel down and can't think of anything.
It's like, "Maybe, this is not my talent."

The mission?

To find a way to glorify God's name and fulfill my purpose here on earth.

But before I start. There's parts of me that is still sinful. I admit. I fall occasionally.
So if I gave everything to the Lord. The Lord would change me.
I can see that. But there's an obstacle. Like how I wrote Chaos and The Wall.
If I tried to be happy, or be like one of those people who are optimistic all the time.
Like saying "Good Morning!" or "HI!" to people and stuff. I feel ashamed.
I think, "I wonder what my parents think? I wonder if they'd laugh at me."
Whenever I think about those things, I have a feeling of......

Hold on. I shouldn't compare myself to others should I?
I should just trust God and pray everyday. And let His Holy Spirit lead me and show me what I need to do. I was not created to be like other people right?
So this means God has something for me. A specialized mission just for me.
It's all very clear now.
By writing, I have found/reminded myself what I need to do, my purpose here.
I've read things from my paces, which actually helped.
As I end this post.
All I can say is.
"I've never regretted anything that has happened to my life when I saw it in God's perspective."

==:: LOL ::==

2007-08-12T17:46:00.000+08:00

Hahaha. I find myself laughing at my previous posts. How stupid of me to let frustration take over. How stupid of me to fall in love.
How stupid of me to even write/start this blog when my grammar is a mess?
Do I even know how to write?

No, I guess not.
Writing is such a complex thing. Why bother?
Because I have no output. I really don't care about my grammar or how I write. I just want to let things out through writing.
I've never really had a best friend on earth. Someone I talk to when I'm lonely, someone to open up to.
Yes, I may have friends, but none I find to be of a "special" value.
Friends are special, but I mean someone that is really close to me.
Yep, no best friend on earth. But I do have a best friend in Heaven.
That's God. =)
He never fails me. I always fail Him.
*sigh* But He doesn't really care. He knows me more than I do. He knows why I am here. He knows my personality.
All I have to do is submit myself.
And that is my mission.

==:: Open Doors ::==

2007-06-16T16:46:00.000+08:00

Well, so far, life has been good lately.
No big events happening.
Just another normal month of June.
Recently I was enrolled back in Music World for violin lessons. Finally, after more than 1 year of no formal training/lessons with my violin. I was glad my dad enrolled me again. The reason he stopped me, was because of lack of practice and enthusiasm as well as interest in violin. Well, I loved my violin, it feels good to play it, after finishing wonderful pieces from the book.
Music has been a really big part of my life. I started to take interest, since I've playing computers games at a young age. Especially Red Alert, the main theme really caught my ear.
Eventually I was so interested, I tried to make my own music. My first program was called ModPlug Tracker, it is used to convert .s3m and other tracker files to mp3 or .wav.
I used it mainly because Unreal tournament music was really cool, and I just had to place it in my mp3.
Anyways, I fiddled around with ModPlug, got some .wav samples from other songs and finally composing my first song, called Curiosity. This was just a simple chord, it starts with B G E then B G D#, B G D and finally B G C#. But ModPlug was extremely hard to use since it's not really a composing tool. So I looked for a better one, that's when I found Orion Platinum 7, of course you have to buy it, but I have another "technique". Anyways using Orion was like a dream come true, it really gave me a big interest in composing electronic music, hard part is I hardly know anything about chords, chord progression and chord theory. So, it was all dependant on the "cool" sound generators. Orion got dull so I looked for another, and I find FL Studio 6. When I first used it, it was very very complicated. I only got the demo version so, I couldn't do much. Somehow, someway I found it and I started to use FL, I forced myself to learn everything and finally after 2 weeks I got the hang of it. I started joining music communities and others and tried to get tips from the pros.
So, what about the open doors?
Well, O2Jam, the online music game, just hosted a contest about compositions and how you can get your song into o2jam and actually play it. So, that's what I've been waiting for, and finally the event has arrived. I've specially remixed my song Phase Seven for this event, and had it notecharted with my friend. So, all I have to do now is wait.
That's one open door.
The next is violin, as I have mentioned, and the other is guitar.
So I actually have a chance of learning guitar, which I like too.
Another open door is that this is my final year in high school, and well, it isn't really a door, more like a corridor, but anyways, I cannot believe I'm a 4th year HS Student. @_@
I have to finish a couple of stuff and review for my biggest exam in my life.
As for now, I know there will be more yet to come, but this college entrance exam is the biggest at the moment.
That's as much open doors as I can think of right now. I might add some more, if I can recall or see another open door.

==:: Beta Revo ::==

2007-05-21T05:51:00.000+08:00

Well, my progress is stagnant. I'm finding it more and more difficult to break the wall. And, always in great regret of not being able to socialize.
Why is it, after analyzing the problems, something is still grabbing me?
As I have observed the weekend pass, I find myself not having an answer to people's questions. Why? I myself have not a single clue to this notorious mystery. I find myself thinking of many alternative answers, or even finding the best answer 30 minutes later. Does my mind process this slow?
I mean, whenever I go online, my brain processes words and sentences I should use in different circumstances normally. I guess Chaos and the Wall is still there. It has anchored itself unto me for 5 years.
I have fallen in love again, just this weekend, she happens to be the one I was suppose to kiss. But I didn't, I couldn't. Who am I to do such a thing? After all it was just a game, I mean I could have, if only I had realized earlier that I should have told her it's just for fun, for the sake of the tradition (which I am still unfamiliar with) "forgive me" is what I should have whispered unto her.
On the spot I didn't know what to do or say, WHY WAS I UNABLE TO THINK QUICKLY?
Why, why, why????????????????
I am so frustrated and angry right now. WHY HAS THIS ABNORMALITY BEEN PLACED INTO MY DNA? INTO MY BRAIN?
I want to kill somebody just to let out this frustration.
AND NO, THIS IS NOT BECAUSE I LIKE HER, THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! EVEN WITH OTHER PEOPLE!
What?! Talk to her? Get her number? "har har" I find myself pondering at such a primitive manner of self entertainment from people who have commented my situation. After all, almost everybody does that.
Anyhow, to be honest I loved it! I thought of many different situations with that girl, such as having to actually talk to her, get her number, eventually becoming my girlfriend etc....you get the point. Anyway, time passed, every minute I look back, I see regret. MY LIFE IS A REGRET.
Sorry for such shouting in my blog, I just need an outlet for my frustration.
*sigh*

Faith the greatest thing in the world, I still trust Him it's just this is what I feel inside.

==:: Alpha Revolution ::==

2007-05-07T22:47:00.000+08:00

May, 7, 2007.
Today marks the beginning of the JDS Revolution!
Why? Because the main purpose of the revolution is to change Justin.
Yes, I'm sick and tired of being lonely.
Sick and Tired of being controlled by Chaos. Watching the world pass by.
Well anyways, God told me this last night, actually last last night.
"You are unsure because you like yourself too much."
Unsure? Uncertainty, Chaos, it's all the same.
Yes, true, I like myself too much, afraid to admit it.
I like myself too much that I am afraid of what I'll look like in public, of how I speak, of what I should say. I guess that's only half of why I'm unsure, the other half is the fear of being rejected. These are all closely related, which, through my everlasting pondering, have found the weak spot of The Wall.
Yes, all walls have a weak spot.
This weak spot has triggered the Revolution.
This weak spot, is what God had told me.
I am unsure, I am doubtful, I am double minded, I am in Chaos because I like myself and at the same time the feeling of rejection. This is all utter Chaos.
I just need God's strength to break that wall. Just like how David killed Goliath.
In conclusion to this, "Why can't I just forget about myself?!"
That is what the bible says. Forget about myself and concentrate on Jesus, my service to Him.
This is one of the basic parts of servant hood.

"For we preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord; and ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake."
-2 Corinthians 4:5

.:: The Wall ::.

2007-05-01T00:51:00.000+08:00

The Wall.
It is cold, hard, solid piece of object that has barbed wires attached to it.
It is there to prevent.
This wall in my mind is different. It is no ordinary wall. This wall has a mind of it's own. It rebuilds itself after being torn down. It is the very thing that hinders me from "socializing".
Like all walls, they have a weak spot. They cannot move. When I chat online with my friends I climb over the wall. When I go out in public I remain standing, I stand confused, therefore I cannot climb.
But I can break it. Yet somehow it rebuilds itself and I find myself back to where I started.
I have, after waking up this morning, found basic components of the wall.
The first one is the Chaos I have written earlier. That's the core of the wall.
The next component is, inferiority complex which leads to me being conscious about my looks, how I should talk, what I should say.
This then leads me to another part of the wall, what if I say the wrong thing? What if my voice is too quiet? What if my voice is ugly?
The last component is me being out of place, what if I do not know anything about the subject?
patay.
It is said you should think before you speak, I find myself thinking too much rather than speaking. How I chat online and how I write blogs is much different to how I am in public.
Because when I chat online I am given the option to press the backspace. In the real world there is no backspace. One other thing is, I don't have to worry about my looks, how I speak, my present state.
Therefore the wall is smaller, in fact all components except one, disappears when I chat online.
What remains is the core, the Chaos. Even though Chaos is closely connected with other components, I find myself leaping over it. When I do make a mistake online I regret leaping over it.
Then again I just continue as if it was normal. There, should I do that in public?
NO
I cannot, Chaos does not just stand there blocking my way, Chaos is there grabbing me when I am in public.
I admire many people, including my dad. For being so outgoing, I just sit back and watch him talk to people with ease. Sometimes I imagine myself preaching just like my dad. I could never be like that.
People I have seen on TV, such as this preacher who didn't have limbs (forgive me I cannot recall the name).
If I was to replace all my limbs for an outgoing personality, I'd do that.
As I go on, I bare the pain, it is there puncturing my heart.
But one time, when I chatted online, the wall was much bigger. That was when I talked with my dad. There the wall was no ordinary size, the inferiority complex became long spears instead of barbed wires, the Chaos was not just a solid brick wall, it had 10 inch steel alloy plating around it. It even had holes for cannons. There I was standing in front of a 1,836 foot wall. I was embarrassed, I regret saying anything about a specific subject to my dad.
So, I am forced to conclude, wall only appears to whom people I do not know.
I do not make first moves...

.:: Chaos ::.

2007-04-30T22:59:00.001+08:00

Today I write because I want to express myself.
Today I write because I feel that the world should know.
Today I write because I see Chaos in the midst of my deepest thoughts.
I have placed a picture, it is supposed to be the Chinese characters for Chaos, after googling it I found out three types. I just picked the one I liked.
Why Chaos?
Chaos is a state of extreme confusion and disorder.
What I have written so far has already caused Chaos in my mind.
Why?
I shall tell you. I have a double mind, I cannot make the right decisions, I am doubtful about everything I say or write. Right now my thoughts are swirling in my head, several voices say this is a stupid thing you are doing, another says, "That's a bad introduction you wrote", and the torment goes on. I do not know anything about the human mind, all I know is that it's deadly.
I am a Christian and I believe everything the Bible says. And I have come across this verse, James 1:8 " A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."
I have also read in some books, "One cannot ride two horses going at opposite directions."
Same as stated in Matthew 6:24 " No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."
So, I have therefore concluded that there are only two forces. God and devil.
As I pass through the never ending train of thoughts, I have trouble differentiating the two. I have somehow made up another force, me. Yes I know "me" could be or is definitely on the devil's side.
Actually it is, know that I've written it and have analyzed. (You have witnessed Chaos)
So still two forces and devil is getting a grip on me.
To think that what I did here is wrong, is to show you that, that thought is from the devil.
Am I right? or not?
God has given us the option to choose, right or wrong. He has given us the Holy Spirit for those who believe. And right now, I am concluding that the Holy Spirit should guide me on my thoughts.
But I do not feel that. I am blind. I cannot see. I need to pray.
So far after rereading what I've written. I cannot say anything more to what this Chaos is.
I read from a website and I found this
"Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse [your] hands, [ye] sinners; and purify [your] hearts, [ye] double minded." -James 4:8
What does it mean to be cleansed? to be purified?
Whenever I talk to my dad about things, I feel inferior I am afraid of what he's gonna say. Sometimes when I talk to God I feel unworthy. I have doubted myself. I do not believe in myself. I am not worthy, I am a piece of dirt.
It's true. It's a fact. But. There is a BUT, yet I have no idea what it is. I know there is, there has to be.
My dad sermoned me about inferiority complex, actually not the whole thing, just a part of it or something. Now I cannot recall the useful words he said. I can't believe I'm still struggling about inferiority complex.
Oh wait it was about changing myself.
It's a mess.

Right now my brain is in full agreement with this statement, "More talk more mistakes, Less talk less mistakes, No talk no mistakes".
With that in mind I have forced myself to be anti-social. My mouth is causing too much trouble.
I love my neighbours enough that it's best I keep my mouth shut.
I have a really hard time expressing myself in public. (woops diff. topic)
So I'll end here for now about Chaos.

.::Dom1nation::.

2007-04-30T13:19:00.000+08:00

Well, let's see...
Grabeeeeee ang saya ng Dom1nation.
I had fun, it was my first time to experience OPM bands playing live!
Nakakabingi nga lang pero ok lang!
Slapshock, Urbandub, Hilera....
wahehe
Anyways, I saw the Allstars, the Christian Dance group. One of them did breakdancing, actually most of them did. But anyways they were really good.
Other dance group such as Exodus were there too, they danced and placed in some Audition moves, which was really cool, i mean right there was Audition in real life, they had bboy battle too.
There were alot of people that went, i mean the line was soo long when i entered in for registration.
I got 2 free posters of Ran and O2Jam, from the raffle.
What else....
I was on TV!
hehe
sa Hero TV too bad walang Hero TV sa Dream. So i can't watch =(

I saw a lot of the good o2jammers such as, Musix (former #1 o2jammer), strip (present #1 o2jammer), asia, harvey, euphoria11, klient, frg10, Entrails, titowatati, kikkoman, Nomac3, blax89, ton2, cezkie, cjmolas, krvn, oOarfOo, choji, rioshi, toiletduck, arnieeel, poguiasdas, shizsy at marami pa.
Sayang di ko sila nakilala dahil nahihiya ako. I have problems in socializing with other people that I have not met before.
But i did try to break it, I helped out Nomac3 with his keyboard and stuff so that was a big leap for me, i met jude (poguiasdas) and pretty much that's how far i got with my effort at socializing.

Well, I was on the go for 24 hours, left Baguio at 2am arrived in Manila at about 8 am, then took a taxi to Le pavillion near Mall of Asia. Then I spent like 1-2 hours waiting and registering for the event.
After Dom1nation we left early at 8pm, which i regret coz Urbandub gave out freebies at 10pm. ugh, i wished i'd stay longer.
Arrived in Baguio at 2:28am, it was very cold.

The tournament was fine but I couldn't use the headphones, no wait...I didn't want to, it was useless anyway, i already set the volume to the max, still Hilera had their music a lot louder so i played with no sounds, just my eyes, and to top it all i didn't know the song Spring Symphony, so yeah i had no chance in getting in. Movie star was alright but Move it on (DJ HD Remix) was hard with x4 speed, usually i could get 1.4k-1.5k cool with minimal goods at x5, but at x4 i got 1k cool and 500 goods. T_T
I didn't like it at all, i was so embarrased. But oh well, there's next year.
I really don't fit in music games, I prefer racing games but right now i don't got any so i'm stuck with online games such as this. Been racing since i was 7-8 years old.
But I had a really good time apart from that. hehe
Good thing libre pamasahe, hehe.

The cosplay was fun to watch too, the best one i thought was cosplayer number 13 in the first category (anime) he had large crystal wings and had a nice sword which let out steam.
The second best was the guy who dressed up as a gargoyle or something from Supreme Destiny.
I saw O2MO!!! i had a pic with him, but my camera wasn't very good, i mean the camera i borrowed.
I wish my dad was there to take photos that'd be great.
I saw the president of e-games, Steve Tsao, he was in cosplay too as a ran swordsman. And the forum moderator KaTx had a nice costume too.
So anyways that's what i can recall from Dom1nation.
I'll be adding more if i remember.
^_^

<<:::""\\:-=//||---[ WanTeD LisT ]--||\\=-://"":::>>

2007-04-30T10:53:00.000+08:00

Well, since Kazaki and Ishuda had one, I guess I should have one too. ^_^
The Wanted List is the list you'd like to see and meet in real life, that is if you've met them online already and blah blah blah blah.
Anyways here's my list.

Kazaki A.K.A. Kristel "xTeL" Cuadra --> Yan, mabait yan, galing pa mag compose. ^_^
Ishuda A.K.A. Lorenzo "Ish" Artigas --> Astig yan mag compose, daming alam na chords. Galing rin mag O2Jam. xD
~Phoebus~ A.K.A. Jude Pineda --> Sayang di tayu nagkita noong Dom1nation. Wahehe next time na lang. Ito si Jude daming alam sa PC. wenks. hehe

"Sai" A.K.A. Astralnevan --> Knows a lot of stuff about music, Sheep May Safely Graze, sorry di ko pa na remix. wahehe
Lilina A.K.A. uhmm... Lilina --> This guy is the music God, yep! If you have questions about the history of o2jam, ask him. He knows everything from the old school rythm games to the latest ones.

Uh, yan na lang muna, ala ako maisip, update ko na lang.
^_^