==:: Graduation ::==

Its been a while since I've updated this blog.
I'll start of with my graduation.


Wow!!! I'm finally graduating!!! After endless nights of doing my homework I have finally come to the point where I have to say Good Bye to High School.
I will miss a lot of people.
Yep a lot has happened since August 22, 2007 (I can't believe that's how long I've left this blog to remain in the dust), the happenings, the downfalls, the high times of my stay in GBA.
Since I came to GBA, the homework was something I dreaded, and sometimes I think when it will end.

Everybody says college is hard! but sometimes I say to myself, "Hey, not all high schools have this kind of curriculum, this hard, painstaking curriculum. And since thats the case, if people who graduated in those public high schools think college is hard, then shouldn't it be any easier for us with this curriculum?"
Those thoughts and many others have kinda reduced my fear in confronting college.

It's gonna be hard starting in a place where you know nobody. I've had this fear since my childhood.
Like when I came to England for the first time, I went to their school. I knew nobody. On my first day, I stood and observed what other children were doing, I just couldn't fit in. I stood there alone on the playground, thinking....thinking....then I broke out into a cry. I just couldn't stand it anymore, I felt so out of place. A student found me crying and reported it to the teacher. They thought I tripped and hurt myself or something, so they kept asking me these questions. I mean what was I going to say! I don't recall what I did after that but they introduced me to this guy named Nicholas, he was my best buddy since then.

Will I cry on my first day on college just because I knew nobody?!!! x_x
Neh, too embarrassing. Besides, a special friend told me to just go for it, and meet new people, live life to the fullest while I still can.

Let's just see what college is like.......

==: The Mission :==

Well, let's see.
I've realized some change.
A little though...
I've kinda lost interest in playing games, MMORPGs and the likes.
Main reason is that, there's nothing decent to play.
I'm bored. I'm bored of lvling characters for nothing.
At least Cabal caught my intersest. Cabal Online is the best action MMORPG out there.
The skills of each job is just so cool!
But this game is not available in the Phil. I'd either have to HTTP tunnel through my way to Cabal EU or Cabal Taiwan. But the HTTP Tunnel is very slow and causes lag. You'd have to pay to get a decent connection.
Lag=not worth it.
So here I am, with nothing to play.
In fact, it's not that bad.
When I was 14 going on 15, I was really addicted to online games. All I could think about each time I get home was either Ragnarok, Gunbound, O2Jam etc...
I mean I even felt sorry for people who did not play online games. (WTH?!)
Well as I write, I realize I should be the one feeling sorry for myself.
Life is more than just games. I tried to make excuses like: "I have to play now! Coz when I'm grown up, I'll be too busy to play!"
Well that's kinda true, but who am I to predict the future?
So, I actually feel alright. I can live without games. No problem.
I feel as if life begins to unfold before me.

I'm currently into Parkour.
It's really cool. Like a martial art.
Although my parents are still learning what it is. Kinda annoying, but I hope they'll finally understand.
That Parkour is not just jumping off buildings. Parkour is not something you do to show off. Parkour is not a path to suicide.
As one traceurist says:

"What is the point of parkour? Why practice it at all?


To be useful

Those three words show what parkour is really about, what it really is. Does anyone here honestly think that David Belle would spend 19 years of his life practicing parkour, and make parkour into his life, if it was about nothing but expression and freedom? What would be the point? There wouldn't be a point. That is, if parkour really was about expression and freedom. But it isn't.

Let me point out Raymond Belle, the man who inspired the philosphy of parkour. The very way in which he lived is the basis for why we train. Belle was an incredible athlete. But that wasn't what inspired the creation of parkour. The inspiration came from what he did with those skills. He didn't use them to feel free, or to express himself, or anything of the sort. He saved lives.

In France, firefighters were (and possibly still are), not a group of paid civilians, but a branch of the military. Raymonde Belle, the incredible athlete, was one such firefighter. In fact, he was a decorated hero, a member of an elite squad. When he trained, it wasn't to feel free. It was so that he could save people.

Now, let me remind some people (and inform some) about the very origins of the word "parkour". It began with the word "parcours". "Parcours" was a term for a type of training used by the French military during the vietnam war. More specifically, it meant obstacle course training. Soldiers trained to be able to pass any obstacle. Sound familiar? Now, why did they do this? To feel free and to express themselves? No. The purpose of training these skills was so that they could use them when they had to.

Parkour is all about the philosophy. If you practice the movements, but not the philosophy, you aren't practicing parkour."

Parkour for me is another way to stay healthy and off drugs.
I mean why stop teens from doing parkour? It's better than drugs.
Why I referred, it's because, all around the world teens like me do parkour, and in some cases they were told off by either the police, landowners or University guards.
Parkour is not yet recognized as "useful" around the world.
But I know people who explain parkour to policemen and landowners or guards, and they managed to get their approval and have pk sessions.

Right now, I am limited.
I cannot go out often.
So I cannot pk as often as other people.
But would this be a given circumstance from the Lord?
Telling me to condition my body before doing parkour?

I was inspired by another traceurist who is the same age as me to condition my body as he is. His project was to condition his body over a period of 600 days.
Since he tried parkour before, but felt back, knee and wrist pains. But as he conditioned his body, the pain lessened until it finally disappeared. He's still undergoing the 600 days, and I am now joining him, as he lists the exercises that he does.
So I've been conditioning for about 3 days now. 597 more to go.
I believe God can use my parkour skills to glorify His name. And I'm trying to find out if He can.
I'm really struggling in knowing what my talent is.
I'm struggling to see how God can use me.
I thought I had found it. But it was not.
Creativity?
I enjoy composing music. But sometimes, I feel down and can't think of anything.
It's like, "Maybe, this is not my talent."

The mission?

To find a way to glorify God's name and fulfill my purpose here on earth.

But before I start. There's parts of me that is still sinful. I admit. I fall occasionally.
So if I gave everything to the Lord. The Lord would change me.
I can see that. But there's an obstacle. Like how I wrote Chaos and The Wall.
If I tried to be happy, or be like one of those people who are optimistic all the time.
Like saying "Good Morning!" or "HI!" to people and stuff. I feel ashamed.
I think, "I wonder what my parents think? I wonder if they'd laugh at me."
Whenever I think about those things, I have a feeling of......

Hold on. I shouldn't compare myself to others should I?
I should just trust God and pray everyday. And let His Holy Spirit lead me and show me what I need to do. I was not created to be like other people right?
So this means God has something for me. A specialized mission just for me.
It's all very clear now.
By writing, I have found/reminded myself what I need to do, my purpose here.
I've read things from my paces, which actually helped.
As I end this post.
All I can say is.
"I've never regretted anything that has happened to my life when I saw it in God's perspective."

==:: LOL ::==

Hahaha. I find myself laughing at my previous posts. How stupid of me to let frustration take over. How stupid of me to fall in love.
How stupid of me to even write/start this blog when my grammar is a mess?
Do I even know how to write?

No, I guess not.
Writing is such a complex thing. Why bother?
Because I have no output. I really don't care about my grammar or how I write. I just want to let things out through writing.
I've never really had a best friend on earth. Someone I talk to when I'm lonely, someone to open up to.
Yes, I may have friends, but none I find to be of a "special" value.
Friends are special, but I mean someone that is really close to me.
Yep, no best friend on earth. But I do have a best friend in Heaven.
That's God. =)
He never fails me. I always fail Him.
*sigh* But He doesn't really care. He knows me more than I do. He knows why I am here. He knows my personality.
All I have to do is submit myself.
And that is my mission.

==:: Open Doors ::==

Well, so far, life has been good lately.
No big events happening.
Just another normal month of June.
Recently I was enrolled back in Music World for violin lessons. Finally, after more than 1 year of no formal training/lessons with my violin. I was glad my dad enrolled me again. The reason he stopped me, was because of lack of practice and enthusiasm as well as interest in violin. Well, I loved my violin, it feels good to play it, after finishing wonderful pieces from the book.
Music has been a really big part of my life. I started to take interest, since I've playing computers games at a young age. Especially Red Alert, the main theme really caught my ear.
Eventually I was so interested, I tried to make my own music. My first program was called ModPlug Tracker, it is used to convert .s3m and other tracker files to mp3 or .wav.
I used it mainly because Unreal tournament music was really cool, and I just had to place it in my mp3.
Anyways, I fiddled around with ModPlug, got some .wav samples from other songs and finally composing my first song, called Curiosity. This was just a simple chord, it starts with B G E then B G D#, B G D and finally B G C#. But ModPlug was extremely hard to use since it's not really a composing tool. So I looked for a better one, that's when I found Orion Platinum 7, of course you have to buy it, but I have another "technique". Anyways using Orion was like a dream come true, it really gave me a big interest in composing electronic music, hard part is I hardly know anything about chords, chord progression and chord theory. So, it was all dependant on the "cool" sound generators. Orion got dull so I looked for another, and I find FL Studio 6. When I first used it, it was very very complicated. I only got the demo version so, I couldn't do much. Somehow, someway I found it and I started to use FL, I forced myself to learn everything and finally after 2 weeks I got the hang of it. I started joining music communities and others and tried to get tips from the pros.
So, what about the open doors?
Well, O2Jam, the online music game, just hosted a contest about compositions and how you can get your song into o2jam and actually play it. So, that's what I've been waiting for, and finally the event has arrived. I've specially remixed my song Phase Seven for this event, and had it notecharted with my friend. So, all I have to do now is wait.
That's one open door.
The next is violin, as I have mentioned, and the other is guitar.
So I actually have a chance of learning guitar, which I like too.
Another open door is that this is my final year in high school, and well, it isn't really a door, more like a corridor, but anyways, I cannot believe I'm a 4th year HS Student. @_@
I have to finish a couple of stuff and review for my biggest exam in my life.
As for now, I know there will be more yet to come, but this college entrance exam is the biggest at the moment.
That's as much open doors as I can think of right now. I might add some more, if I can recall or see another open door.

==:: Beta Revo ::==

Well, my progress is stagnant. I'm finding it more and more difficult to break the wall. And, always in great regret of not being able to socialize.
Why is it, after analyzing the problems, something is still grabbing me?
As I have observed the weekend pass, I find myself not having an answer to people's questions. Why? I myself have not a single clue to this notorious mystery. I find myself thinking of many alternative answers, or even finding the best answer 30 minutes later. Does my mind process this slow?
I mean, whenever I go online, my brain processes words and sentences I should use in different circumstances normally. I guess Chaos and the Wall is still there. It has anchored itself unto me for 5 years.
I have fallen in love again, just this weekend, she happens to be the one I was suppose to kiss. But I didn't, I couldn't. Who am I to do such a thing? After all it was just a game, I mean I could have, if only I had realized earlier that I should have told her it's just for fun, for the sake of the tradition (which I am still unfamiliar with) "forgive me" is what I should have whispered unto her.
On the spot I didn't know what to do or say, WHY WAS I UNABLE TO THINK QUICKLY?
Why, why, why????????????????
I am so frustrated and angry right now. WHY HAS THIS ABNORMALITY BEEN PLACED INTO MY DNA? INTO MY BRAIN?
AND NO, THIS IS NOT BECAUSE I LIKE HER, THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! EVEN WITH OTHER PEOPLE!
What?! Talk to her? Get her number? "har har" I find myself pondering at such a primitive manner of self entertainment from people who have commented my situation. After all, almost everybody does that.
Anyhow, to be honest I loved it! I thought of many different situations with that girl, such as having to actually talk to her, get her number, eventually becoming my girlfriend etc....you get the point. Anyway, time passed, every minute I look back, I see regret. MY LIFE IS A REGRET.
Sorry for such shouting in my blog, I just need an outlet for my frustration.
*sigh*

Faith the greatest thing in the world, I still trust Him it's just this is what I feel inside.

==:: Alpha Revolution ::==

May, 7, 2007.
Today marks the beginning of the JDS Revolution!
Why? Because the main purpose of the revolution is to change Justin.
Yes, I'm sick and tired of being lonely.
Sick and Tired of being controlled by Chaos. Watching the world pass by.
Well anyways, God told me this last night, actually last last night.
"You are unsure because you like yourself too much."
Unsure? Uncertainty, Chaos, it's all the same.
Yes, true, I like myself too much, afraid to admit it.
I like myself too much that I am afraid of what I'll look like in public, of how I speak, of what I should say. I guess that's only half of why I'm unsure, the other half is the fear of being rejected. These are all closely related, which, through my everlasting pondering, have found the weak spot of The Wall.
Yes, all walls have a weak spot.
This weak spot has triggered the Revolution.
This weak spot, is what God had told me.
I am unsure, I am doubtful, I am double minded, I am in Chaos because I like myself and at the same time the feeling of rejection. This is all utter Chaos.
I just need God's strength to break that wall. Just like how David killed Goliath.
In conclusion to this, "Why can't I just forget about myself?!"
That is what the bible says. Forget about myself and concentrate on Jesus, my service to Him.
This is one of the basic parts of servant hood.


"For we preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord; and ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake."
-2 Corinthians 4:5

.:: The Wall ::.

The Wall.
It is cold, hard, solid piece of object that has barbed wires attached to it.
It is there to prevent.
This wall in my mind is different. It is no ordinary wall. This wall has a mind of it's own. It rebuilds itself after being torn down. It is the very thing that hinders me from "socializing".
Like all walls, they have a weak spot. They cannot move. When I chat online with my friends I climb over the wall. When I go out in public I remain standing, I stand confused, therefore I cannot climb.
But I can break it. Yet somehow it rebuilds itself and I find myself back to where I started.
I have, after waking up this morning, found basic components of the wall.
The first one is the Chaos I have written earlier. That's the core of the wall.
The next component is, inferiority complex which leads to me being conscious about my looks, how I should talk, what I should say.
This then leads me to another part of the wall, what if I say the wrong thing? What if my voice is too quiet? What if my voice is ugly?
The last component is me being out of place, what if I do not know anything about the subject?
patay.
It is said you should think before you speak, I find myself thinking too much rather than speaking. How I chat online and how I write blogs is much different to how I am in public.
Because when I chat online I am given the option to press the backspace. In the real world there is no backspace. One other thing is, I don't have to worry about my looks, how I speak, my present state.
Therefore the wall is smaller, in fact all components except one, disappears when I chat online.
What remains is the core, the Chaos. Even though Chaos is closely connected with other components, I find myself leaping over it. When I do make a mistake online I regret leaping over it.
Then again I just continue as if it was normal. There, should I do that in public?
NO
I cannot, Chaos does not just stand there blocking my way, Chaos is there grabbing me when I am in public.
I admire many people, including my dad. For being so outgoing, I just sit back and watch him talk to people with ease. Sometimes I imagine myself preaching just like my dad. I could never be like that.
People I have seen on TV, such as this preacher who didn't have limbs (forgive me I cannot recall the name).
If I was to replace all my limbs for an outgoing personality, I'd do that.
As I go on, I bare the pain, it is there puncturing my heart.
But one time, when I chatted online, the wall was much bigger. That was when I talked with my dad. There the wall was no ordinary size, the inferiority complex became long spears instead of barbed wires, the Chaos was not just a solid brick wall, it had 10 inch steel alloy plating around it. It even had holes for cannons. There I was standing in front of a 1,836 foot wall. I was embarrassed, I regret saying anything about a specific subject to my dad.
So, I am forced to conclude, wall only appears to whom people I do not know.
I do not make first moves...