Well, so far, life has been good lately.
No big events happening.
Just another normal month of June.
Recently I was enrolled back in Music World for violin lessons. Finally, after more than 1 year of no formal training/lessons with my violin. I was glad my dad enrolled me again. The reason he stopped me, was because of lack of practice and enthusiasm as well as interest in violin. Well, I loved my violin, it feels good to play it, after finishing wonderful pieces from the book.
Music has been a really big part of my life. I started to take interest, since I've playing computers games at a young age. Especially Red Alert, the main theme really caught my ear.
Eventually I was so interested, I tried to make my own music. My first program was called ModPlug Tracker, it is used to convert .s3m and other tracker files to mp3 or .wav.
I used it mainly because Unreal tournament music was really cool, and I just had to place it in my mp3.
Anyways, I fiddled around with ModPlug, got some .wav samples from other songs and finally composing my first song, called Curiosity. This was just a simple chord, it starts with B G E then B G D#, B G D and finally B G C#. But ModPlug was extremely hard to use since it's not really a composing tool. So I looked for a better one, that's when I found Orion Platinum 7, of course you have to buy it, but I have another "technique". Anyways using Orion was like a dream come true, it really gave me a big interest in composing electronic music, hard part is I hardly know anything about chords, chord progression and chord theory. So, it was all dependant on the "cool" sound generators. Orion got dull so I looked for another, and I find FL Studio 6. When I first used it, it was very very complicated. I only got the demo version so, I couldn't do much. Somehow, someway I found it and I started to use FL, I forced myself to learn everything and finally after 2 weeks I got the hang of it. I started joining music communities and others and tried to get tips from the pros.
So, what about the open doors?
Well, O2Jam, the online music game, just hosted a contest about compositions and how you can get your song into o2jam and actually play it. So, that's what I've been waiting for, and finally the event has arrived. I've specially remixed my song Phase Seven for this event, and had it notecharted with my friend. So, all I have to do now is wait.
That's one open door.
The next is violin, as I have mentioned, and the other is guitar.
So I actually have a chance of learning guitar, which I like too.
Another open door is that this is my final year in high school, and well, it isn't really a door, more like a corridor, but anyways, I cannot believe I'm a 4th year HS Student. @_@
I have to finish a couple of stuff and review for my biggest exam in my life.
As for now, I know there will be more yet to come, but this college entrance exam is the biggest at the moment.
That's as much open doors as I can think of right now. I might add some more, if I can recall or see another open door.
Well, my progress is stagnant. I'm finding it more and more difficult to break the wall. And, always in great regret of not being able to socialize.
Why is it, after analyzing the problems, something is still grabbing me?
As I have observed the weekend pass, I find myself not having an answer to people's questions. Why? I myself have not a single clue to this notorious mystery. I find myself thinking of many alternative answers, or even finding the best answer 30 minutes later. Does my mind process this slow?
I mean, whenever I go online, my brain processes words and sentences I should use in different circumstances normally. I guess Chaos and the Wall is still there. It has anchored itself unto me for 5 years.
I have fallen in love again, just this weekend, she happens to be the one I was suppose to kiss. But I didn't, I couldn't. Who am I to do such a thing? After all it was just a game, I mean I could have, if only I had realized earlier that I should have told her it's just for fun, for the sake of the tradition (which I am still unfamiliar with) "forgive me" is what I should have whispered unto her.
On the spot I didn't know what to do or say, WHY WAS I UNABLE TO THINK QUICKLY?
Why, why, why????????????????
I am so frustrated and angry right now. WHY HAS THIS ABNORMALITY BEEN PLACED INTO MY DNA? INTO MY BRAIN?
AND NO, THIS IS NOT BECAUSE I LIKE HER, THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! EVEN WITH OTHER PEOPLE!
What?! Talk to her? Get her number? "har har" I find myself pondering at such a primitive manner of self entertainment from people who have commented my situation. After all, almost everybody does that.
Anyhow, to be honest I loved it! I thought of many different situations with that girl, such as having to actually talk to her, get her number, eventually becoming my girlfriend etc....you get the point. Anyway, time passed, every minute I look back, I see regret. MY LIFE IS A REGRET.
Sorry for such shouting in my blog, I just need an outlet for my frustration.
*sigh*
Faith the greatest thing in the world, I still trust Him it's just this is what I feel inside.
May, 7, 2007.
Today marks the beginning of the JDS Revolution!
Why? Because the main purpose of the revolution is to change Justin.
Yes, I'm sick and tired of being lonely.
Sick and Tired of being controlled by Chaos. Watching the world pass by.
Well anyways, God told me this last night, actually last last night.
"You are unsure because you like yourself too much."
Unsure? Uncertainty, Chaos, it's all the same.
Yes, true, I like myself too much, afraid to admit it.
I like myself too much that I am afraid of what I'll look like in public, of how I speak, of what I should say. I guess that's only half of why I'm unsure, the other half is the fear of being rejected. These are all closely related, which, through my everlasting pondering, have found the weak spot of The Wall.
Yes, all walls have a weak spot.
This weak spot has triggered the Revolution.
This weak spot, is what God had told me.
I am unsure, I am doubtful, I am double minded, I am in Chaos because I like myself and at the same time the feeling of rejection. This is all utter Chaos.
I just need God's strength to break that wall. Just like how David killed Goliath.
In conclusion to this, "Why can't I just forget about myself?!"
That is what the bible says. Forget about myself and concentrate on Jesus, my service to Him.
This is one of the basic parts of servant hood.
"For we preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord; and ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake."
-2 Corinthians 4:5
The Wall.
It is cold, hard, solid piece of object that has barbed wires attached to it.
It is there to prevent.
This wall in my mind is different. It is no ordinary wall. This wall has a mind of it's own. It rebuilds itself after being torn down. It is the very thing that hinders me from "socializing".
Like all walls, they have a weak spot. They cannot move. When I chat online with my friends I climb over the wall. When I go out in public I remain standing, I stand confused, therefore I cannot climb.
But I can break it. Yet somehow it rebuilds itself and I find myself back to where I started.
I have, after waking up this morning, found basic components of the wall.
The first one is the Chaos I have written earlier. That's the core of the wall.
The next component is, inferiority complex which leads to me being conscious about my looks, how I should talk, what I should say.
This then leads me to another part of the wall, what if I say the wrong thing? What if my voice is too quiet? What if my voice is ugly?
The last component is me being out of place, what if I do not know anything about the subject?
patay.
It is said you should think before you speak, I find myself thinking too much rather than speaking. How I chat online and how I write blogs is much different to how I am in public.
Because when I chat online I am given the option to press the backspace. In the real world there is no backspace. One other thing is, I don't have to worry about my looks, how I speak, my present state.
Therefore the wall is smaller, in fact all components except one, disappears when I chat online.
What remains is the core, the Chaos. Even though Chaos is closely connected with other components, I find myself leaping over it. When I do make a mistake online I regret leaping over it.
Then again I just continue as if it was normal. There, should I do that in public?
NO
I cannot, Chaos does not just stand there blocking my way, Chaos is there grabbing me when I am in public.
I admire many people, including my dad. For being so outgoing, I just sit back and watch him talk to people with ease. Sometimes I imagine myself preaching just like my dad. I could never be like that.
People I have seen on TV, such as this preacher who didn't have limbs (forgive me I cannot recall the name).
If I was to replace all my limbs for an outgoing personality, I'd do that.
As I go on, I bare the pain, it is there puncturing my heart.
But one time, when I chatted online, the wall was much bigger. That was when I talked with my dad. There the wall was no ordinary size, the inferiority complex became long spears instead of barbed wires, the Chaos was not just a solid brick wall, it had 10 inch steel alloy plating around it. It even had holes for cannons. There I was standing in front of a 1,836 foot wall. I was embarrassed, I regret saying anything about a specific subject to my dad.
So, I am forced to conclude, wall only appears to whom people I do not know.
I do not make first moves...
Today I write because I want to express myself.
Today I write because I feel that the world should know.
Today I write because I see Chaos in the midst of my deepest thoughts.
I have placed a picture, it is supposed to be the Chinese characters for Chaos, after googling it I found out three types. I just picked the one I liked.
Why Chaos?
Chaos is a state of extreme confusion and disorder.
What I have written so far has already caused Chaos in my mind.
Why?
I shall tell you. I have a double mind, I cannot make the right decisions, I am doubtful about everything I say or write. Right now my thoughts are swirling in my head, several voices say this is a stupid thing you are doing, another says, "That's a bad introduction you wrote", and the torment goes on. I do not know anything about the human mind, all I know is that it's deadly.
I am a Christian and I believe everything the Bible says. And I have come across this verse, James 1:8 " A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."
I have also read in some books, "One cannot ride two horses going at opposite directions."
Same as stated in Matthew 6:24 " No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."
So, I have therefore concluded that there are only two forces. God and devil.
As I pass through the never ending train of thoughts, I have trouble differentiating the two. I have somehow made up another force, me. Yes I know "me" could be or is definitely on the devil's side.
Actually it is, know that I've written it and have analyzed. (You have witnessed Chaos)
So still two forces and devil is getting a grip on me.
To think that what I did here is wrong, is to show you that, that thought is from the devil.
Am I right? or not?
God has given us the option to choose, right or wrong. He has given us the Holy Spirit for those who believe. And right now, I am concluding that the Holy Spirit should guide me on my thoughts.
But I do not feel that. I am blind. I cannot see. I need to pray.
So far after rereading what I've written. I cannot say anything more to what this Chaos is.
I read from a website and I found this
"Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse [your] hands, [ye] sinners; and purify [your] hearts, [ye] double minded." -James 4:8
What does it mean to be cleansed? to be purified?
Whenever I talk to my dad about things, I feel inferior I am afraid of what he's gonna say. Sometimes when I talk to God I feel unworthy. I have doubted myself. I do not believe in myself. I am not worthy, I am a piece of dirt.
It's true. It's a fact. But. There is a BUT, yet I have no idea what it is. I know there is, there has to be.
My dad sermoned me about inferiority complex, actually not the whole thing, just a part of it or something. Now I cannot recall the useful words he said. I can't believe I'm still struggling about inferiority complex.
Oh wait it was about changing myself.
It's a mess.
Right now my brain is in full agreement with this statement, "More talk more mistakes, Less talk less mistakes, No talk no mistakes".
With that in mind I have forced myself to be anti-social. My mouth is causing too much trouble.
I love my neighbours enough that it's best I keep my mouth shut.
I have a really hard time expressing myself in public. (woops diff. topic)
So I'll end here for now about Chaos.
Justinsane, O2MO, siopao
Well, let's see...
Grabeeeeee ang saya ng Dom1nation.
I had fun, it was my first time to experience OPM bands playing live!
Nakakabingi nga lang pero ok lang!
Slapshock, Urbandub, Hilera....
wahehe
Anyways, I saw the Allstars, the Christian Dance group. One of them did breakdancing, actually most of them did. But anyways they were really good.
Other dance group such as Exodus were there too, they danced and placed in some Audition moves, which was really cool, i mean right there was Audition in real life, they had bboy battle too.
There were alot of people that went, i mean the line was soo long when i entered in for registration.
I got 2 free posters of Ran and O2Jam, from the raffle.
What else....
I was on TV!
hehe
sa Hero TV too bad walang Hero TV sa Dream. So i can't watch =(
I saw a lot of the good o2jammers such as, Musix (former #1 o2jammer), strip (present #1 o2jammer), asia, harvey, euphoria11, klient, frg10, Entrails, titowatati, kikkoman, Nomac3, blax89, ton2, cezkie, cjmolas, krvn, oOarfOo, choji, rioshi, toiletduck, arnieeel, poguiasdas, shizsy at marami pa.
Sayang di ko sila nakilala dahil nahihiya ako. I have problems in socializing with other people that I have not met before.
But i did try to break it, I helped out Nomac3 with his keyboard and stuff so that was a big leap for me, i met jude (poguiasdas) and pretty much that's how far i got with my effort at socializing.
Well, I was on the go for 24 hours, left Baguio at 2am arrived in Manila at about 8 am, then took a taxi to Le pavillion near Mall of Asia. Then I spent like 1-2 hours waiting and registering for the event.
After Dom1nation we left early at 8pm, which i regret coz Urbandub gave out freebies at 10pm. ugh, i wished i'd stay longer.
Arrived in Baguio at 2:28am, it was very cold.
The tournament was fine but I couldn't use the headphones, no wait...I didn't want to, it was useless anyway, i already set the volume to the max, still Hilera had their music a lot louder so i played with no sounds, just my eyes, and to top it all i didn't know the song Spring Symphony, so yeah i had no chance in getting in. Movie star was alright but Move it on (DJ HD Remix) was hard with x4 speed, usually i could get 1.4k-1.5k cool with minimal goods at x5, but at x4 i got 1k cool and 500 goods. T_T
I didn't like it at all, i was so embarrased. But oh well, there's next year.
I really don't fit in music games, I prefer racing games but right now i don't got any so i'm stuck with online games such as this. Been racing since i was 7-8 years old.
But I had a really good time apart from that. hehe
Good thing libre pamasahe, hehe.
The cosplay was fun to watch too, the best one i thought was cosplayer number 13 in the first category (anime) he had large crystal wings and had a nice sword which let out steam.
The second best was the guy who dressed up as a gargoyle or something from Supreme Destiny.
I saw the president of e-games, Steve Tsao, he was in cosplay too as a ran swordsman. And the forum moderator KaTx had a nice costume too.
So anyways that's what i can recall from Dom1nation.
I'll be adding more if i remember.
^_^
Well, since Kazaki and Ishuda had one, I guess I should have one too. ^_^
The Wanted List is the list you'd like to see and meet in real life, that is if you've met them online already and blah blah blah blah.
Anyways here's my list.
- Kazaki A.K.A. Kristel "xTeL" Cuadra --> Yan, mabait yan, galing pa mag compose. ^_^
- Ishuda A.K.A. Lorenzo "Ish" Artigas --> Astig yan mag compose, daming alam na chords. Galing rin mag O2Jam. xD
- ~Phoebus~ A.K.A. Jude Pineda --> Sayang di tayu nagkita noong Dom1nation. Wahehe next time na lang. Ito si Jude daming alam sa PC. wenks. hehe
- "Sai" A.K.A. Astralnevan --> Knows a lot of stuff about music, Sheep May Safely Graze, sorry di ko pa na remix. wahehe
- Lilina A.K.A. uhmm... Lilina --> This guy is the music God, yep! If you have questions about the history of o2jam, ask him. He knows everything from the old school rythm games to the latest ones.
Uh, yan na lang muna, ala ako maisip, update ko na lang.
^_^
