.:: Chaos ::.

Today I write because I want to express myself.
Today I write because I feel that the world should know.
Today I write because I see Chaos in the midst of my deepest thoughts.
I have placed a picture, it is supposed to be the Chinese characters for Chaos, after googling it I found out three types. I just picked the one I liked.
Why Chaos?
Chaos is a state of extreme confusion and disorder.
What I have written so far has already caused Chaos in my mind.
Why?
I shall tell you. I have a double mind, I cannot make the right decisions, I am doubtful about everything I say or write. Right now my thoughts are swirling in my head, several voices say this is a stupid thing you are doing, another says, "That's a bad introduction you wrote", and the torment goes on. I do not know anything about the human mind, all I know is that it's deadly.
I am a Christian and I believe everything the Bible says. And I have come across this verse, James 1:8 " A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."
I have also read in some books, "One cannot ride two horses going at opposite directions."
Same as stated in Matthew 6:24 " No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."
So, I have therefore concluded that there are only two forces. God and devil.
As I pass through the never ending train of thoughts, I have trouble differentiating the two. I have somehow made up another force, me. Yes I know "me" could be or is definitely on the devil's side.
Actually it is, know that I've written it and have analyzed. (You have witnessed Chaos)
So still two forces and devil is getting a grip on me.
To think that what I did here is wrong, is to show you that, that thought is from the devil.
Am I right? or not?
God has given us the option to choose, right or wrong. He has given us the Holy Spirit for those who believe. And right now, I am concluding that the Holy Spirit should guide me on my thoughts.
But I do not feel that. I am blind. I cannot see. I need to pray.
So far after rereading what I've written. I cannot say anything more to what this Chaos is.
I read from a website and I found this
"Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse [your] hands, [ye] sinners; and purify [your] hearts, [ye] double minded." -James 4:8
What does it mean to be cleansed? to be purified?
Whenever I talk to my dad about things, I feel inferior I am afraid of what he's gonna say. Sometimes when I talk to God I feel unworthy. I have doubted myself. I do not believe in myself. I am not worthy, I am a piece of dirt.
It's true. It's a fact. But. There is a BUT, yet I have no idea what it is. I know there is, there has to be.
My dad sermoned me about inferiority complex, actually not the whole thing, just a part of it or something. Now I cannot recall the useful words he said. I can't believe I'm still struggling about inferiority complex.
Oh wait it was about changing myself.
It's a mess.

Right now my brain is in full agreement with this statement, "More talk more mistakes, Less talk less mistakes, No talk no mistakes".
With that in mind I have forced myself to be anti-social. My mouth is causing too much trouble.
I love my neighbours enough that it's best I keep my mouth shut.
I have a really hard time expressing myself in public. (woops diff. topic)
So I'll end here for now about Chaos.