==:: Beta Revo ::==

Well, my progress is stagnant. I'm finding it more and more difficult to break the wall. And, always in great regret of not being able to socialize.
Why is it, after analyzing the problems, something is still grabbing me?
As I have observed the weekend pass, I find myself not having an answer to people's questions. Why? I myself have not a single clue to this notorious mystery. I find myself thinking of many alternative answers, or even finding the best answer 30 minutes later. Does my mind process this slow?
I mean, whenever I go online, my brain processes words and sentences I should use in different circumstances normally. I guess Chaos and the Wall is still there. It has anchored itself unto me for 5 years.
I have fallen in love again, just this weekend, she happens to be the one I was suppose to kiss. But I didn't, I couldn't. Who am I to do such a thing? After all it was just a game, I mean I could have, if only I had realized earlier that I should have told her it's just for fun, for the sake of the tradition (which I am still unfamiliar with) "forgive me" is what I should have whispered unto her.
On the spot I didn't know what to do or say, WHY WAS I UNABLE TO THINK QUICKLY?
Why, why, why????????????????
I am so frustrated and angry right now. WHY HAS THIS ABNORMALITY BEEN PLACED INTO MY DNA? INTO MY BRAIN?
AND NO, THIS IS NOT BECAUSE I LIKE HER, THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! EVEN WITH OTHER PEOPLE!
What?! Talk to her? Get her number? "har har" I find myself pondering at such a primitive manner of self entertainment from people who have commented my situation. After all, almost everybody does that.
Anyhow, to be honest I loved it! I thought of many different situations with that girl, such as having to actually talk to her, get her number, eventually becoming my girlfriend etc....you get the point. Anyway, time passed, every minute I look back, I see regret. MY LIFE IS A REGRET.
Sorry for such shouting in my blog, I just need an outlet for my frustration.
*sigh*

Faith the greatest thing in the world, I still trust Him it's just this is what I feel inside.

==:: Alpha Revolution ::==

May, 7, 2007.
Today marks the beginning of the JDS Revolution!
Why? Because the main purpose of the revolution is to change Justin.
Yes, I'm sick and tired of being lonely.
Sick and Tired of being controlled by Chaos. Watching the world pass by.
Well anyways, God told me this last night, actually last last night.
"You are unsure because you like yourself too much."
Unsure? Uncertainty, Chaos, it's all the same.
Yes, true, I like myself too much, afraid to admit it.
I like myself too much that I am afraid of what I'll look like in public, of how I speak, of what I should say. I guess that's only half of why I'm unsure, the other half is the fear of being rejected. These are all closely related, which, through my everlasting pondering, have found the weak spot of The Wall.
Yes, all walls have a weak spot.
This weak spot has triggered the Revolution.
This weak spot, is what God had told me.
I am unsure, I am doubtful, I am double minded, I am in Chaos because I like myself and at the same time the feeling of rejection. This is all utter Chaos.
I just need God's strength to break that wall. Just like how David killed Goliath.
In conclusion to this, "Why can't I just forget about myself?!"
That is what the bible says. Forget about myself and concentrate on Jesus, my service to Him.
This is one of the basic parts of servant hood.


"For we preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord; and ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake."
-2 Corinthians 4:5

.:: The Wall ::.

The Wall.
It is cold, hard, solid piece of object that has barbed wires attached to it.
It is there to prevent.
This wall in my mind is different. It is no ordinary wall. This wall has a mind of it's own. It rebuilds itself after being torn down. It is the very thing that hinders me from "socializing".
Like all walls, they have a weak spot. They cannot move. When I chat online with my friends I climb over the wall. When I go out in public I remain standing, I stand confused, therefore I cannot climb.
But I can break it. Yet somehow it rebuilds itself and I find myself back to where I started.
I have, after waking up this morning, found basic components of the wall.
The first one is the Chaos I have written earlier. That's the core of the wall.
The next component is, inferiority complex which leads to me being conscious about my looks, how I should talk, what I should say.
This then leads me to another part of the wall, what if I say the wrong thing? What if my voice is too quiet? What if my voice is ugly?
The last component is me being out of place, what if I do not know anything about the subject?
patay.
It is said you should think before you speak, I find myself thinking too much rather than speaking. How I chat online and how I write blogs is much different to how I am in public.
Because when I chat online I am given the option to press the backspace. In the real world there is no backspace. One other thing is, I don't have to worry about my looks, how I speak, my present state.
Therefore the wall is smaller, in fact all components except one, disappears when I chat online.
What remains is the core, the Chaos. Even though Chaos is closely connected with other components, I find myself leaping over it. When I do make a mistake online I regret leaping over it.
Then again I just continue as if it was normal. There, should I do that in public?
NO
I cannot, Chaos does not just stand there blocking my way, Chaos is there grabbing me when I am in public.
I admire many people, including my dad. For being so outgoing, I just sit back and watch him talk to people with ease. Sometimes I imagine myself preaching just like my dad. I could never be like that.
People I have seen on TV, such as this preacher who didn't have limbs (forgive me I cannot recall the name).
If I was to replace all my limbs for an outgoing personality, I'd do that.
As I go on, I bare the pain, it is there puncturing my heart.
But one time, when I chatted online, the wall was much bigger. That was when I talked with my dad. There the wall was no ordinary size, the inferiority complex became long spears instead of barbed wires, the Chaos was not just a solid brick wall, it had 10 inch steel alloy plating around it. It even had holes for cannons. There I was standing in front of a 1,836 foot wall. I was embarrassed, I regret saying anything about a specific subject to my dad.
So, I am forced to conclude, wall only appears to whom people I do not know.
I do not make first moves...